"i made a blog post"

I will entitle this post "i made a blog post"
We form habits, we do things. We loose habits.
We grow. We try again. or something. I feel frustrated, a little overwhelmed. A bit depressed.

I live to create Art

For the past four months or so.. I feel I've been growing and changing a lot. One aspect of it is, I've been working harder on my work, and also on myself.
I think with all that change going on, it's hard to know which parts of me to share about here.


I don't know if I have an answer. But I will be going with my gut. So it should turn out alright.




Very recently, past week or so, I've been remastering some of my art work. For a new "portfolio", we've been upgrading our art walk format. Next month we intend to incorporate digital frames to our table display. Each frame will be cycling our best work. One for BrokeBot, one for Aldo, and one for me. I'm excited about it. It will allow us to display only very nice framed, ready to hang artwork on the table (and eventually on portable walls). We've also recently purchased a very nice large format printer. So we've now been bringing out some giclee prints of our work, to First Fridays.

I realize part of why I don't know what to share here, at the moment, is because the blog received a break, and I also don't have a very large audience here, so it mostly comes off as a personal internet journal of me and my art. Which is okay. But I wasn't sure if it was okay before.

Gosh. I really do just want to be myself. In my own personal life, and with my art. I think the easier of the two, is being myself through Art. I didn't have trouble painting sad art, I didn't even know I was doing it, until the people at First Friday passing by my table pointed it out, years ago. I have come to accept that since then.

The BrokeBot collab project helps sort me out. With and through it, we make artwork to sell. Artwork to helps us survive while still creating art for a living. So, I really love BrokeBot. We are able to create artwork never possible without the other, being Aldo and me.

But enough sappy stuff. lol. I am okay. I don't mind if this blog really is kinda personal, I didn't intend for it to be this way, but I suppose it's just a part of who I am.. as dare I say, an Artist. And I only say it that way, because.. there are so many people who so easily call themselves that. I don't feel average, I feel like I want to do so much, I want to express so much.


When I get real sad and depressed about whatever, I can look up at the characters in my paintings, and they seem to comfort me. I feel like I paint so I can have a reminder that I am not the only one who feels deep pain at times. I am not alone. Even if I feel like I am. I am not alone. and I am okay.

Me having issues to fix, doesn't mean I can't do great things anyway. I want to be a much much better version of who I was meant to be.

I think I was always going to be making art, but one way I was going to be working full time at a job I hated while slowly making art, the other way, I have all the time in the world dedicated to create all that I want to create. And I am lucky to be a part of the latter, I'm lucky enough that the life I have now, allows me to do exactly what I want.

And all I'm willing to work hard at, is Art.
..


I'll share a scan of one of my recent paintings in the next post.

~Carol

a Video Portrait by Particle Dots

A few weeks ago I participated in Bryn's series of portrait videos. It consists of about 2 minutes of someone staring into the camera at a high frame speed, and when played its a slow gradual still portrait. it's an interesting idea.. Some of the portraits are really nice, I remember one of a lady who smiled during hers, not the entire time.. but it was nice to see a smile. I thought that when it came to be my turn that I would think of so many things while I was looking into nothing towards bright lights. But I mostly just kinda zoned out or meditated in a way, I was just breathing, and holding a stare.. for some reason I didn't come off very natural, it was like I was doing a job, and it was to not look away. My eyes were kinda burning at the time.. towards the end, I had my contacts in (when I still could.. for about an hour).. and they did what uncomfortable contacts do, dry sting-y. Anyway, towards the last closing seconds during the fade out, my facial expression slowly turned into a full smile. I misssed that part the first time I watched the video, from my iphone (that my dad pays for). But I looked at it again this morning, and I saw the smile. And it made me smile.

..

the weeks after I saw the video.. I guess I reflected.. I saw my weird blinks.. One never closed all the way, and they blink at different times... ? it was way weird for me to see the first time. But, I've been continuing to accept myself over and over, and its sticking more. I recently realized that I could fully look at myself in the mirror and say I love myself. And fully mean it, and fully feel it and that those words cant even explain the feeling. But that took a lot.. Some time ago.. I couldn't really say it. At all. I knew that I would be lying if I said it. I was so sad. That me still creeps in sometimes, and its scary, and I know how horrible that other me often would feel.. But.. I am okay. I can still smile now, and mean it.

my mind: while preparing for painting mode..

reflecting on two finalized paintings i have hanging on my wall..
I can think about the methods i used to paint each of them. and the outcome. I'm looking at my Naked Girl in Bedroom painting, and my Bunny Wont Play With Me Anymore.., painting. the first one, i have to add a final glaze to, and come up with a fitting -real Tittle.

I haven't shared it yet, I'm waiting to really Finalize all of it, and for the right time. I dont want to rush it. fyi..its been a year almost spent on that piece, not continually..but still. That one i did many many layers on..and started from black and white, it has much depth!!! I love it! I think with good training and dedication, I can shorten that time a lot. The painting next to it, with the dead stuffed animal bunny, is much flatter. Finished almost entirely within 1 week, painted straight finishing areas in the first painting sitting.. i was quite proud of it. But looking at the two techniques, I think my work and ideas deserve that extra time spent on a black and white underlayer. It turns out quite good. this is the first painting, where i really kept that technique in focus.

Either painting method still requires me to be in the right mood for it though.. the right setting. Which is understandable- i wont force myself into painting if i dont want, meanwhile i will continue to do other productive things. Ive been writing down ideas for paintings, and started quickly sketching some out. Trying to pick which painting I want to tackle next. first. I have 2 other paintings that I want to finish by the end of the year..that i started during summer or sometime. I want to start a new batch of paintings soon, many at a time..progressing each painting together and individually.

I want all of my new work to each be really well done. I dont want to be too quick with my work anymore. I think I have my methods down. I feel good :)